Trust is a tricky thing. It sounds cliche to talk about trust, so I’m going to with as many cliches as possible.
I’d like to think I’m great at it, that I never worry, that I never fear the unknown, that I completely and utterly trust 1)my God, and 2) my husband. But realistically, I’m a hormonal, emotional, crazy person (okay, woman- I know my husband is thinking: that’s redundant- hush you!). I worry about what tomorrow brings. I get nervous thinking about the what ifs. I fear for the safety and welfare of my children. I’m concerned that I’m not able, experienced or good enough…. for anything. And, most currently, I’m worried about our financial situation. Here’s what we’ve been dealing with the last few years/months.
What I do during these times (what I try) is to remind myself how God has provided in the past, and how my husband has never left my side. When we were trying for Will, Dan’s job moved from an hour away, to a mile. When Will was born, I was in the care of my two absolute favorite members of the OBGYN team, making my (huge) child birth a little less stressful. When we were scared because Will was puking up blood, my cousin met the ambulance (Will and myself) at the children’s hospital while Dan was delayed getting our stuff together and driving behind us. When we tried to buy a house, even though it was crazy, Dan had the best month of his life (financially) and was able to work from home (though no one else was). When Gabriel was born, and we got calls IN THE HOSPITAL from his work, and a week later found out the US company was going down the tubes, we got an email that HIS job was secure. I’m sure if you look into your own life, you can find times of unexpected support.
I must remind myself of these events, and others like it, in times like these. I know I have family and friends that would gladly help us out should we need it, financially and emotionally, but it’s soooo hard to remember that!
When you’re living paycheck to paycheck, it’s tough- I know many people out there who are aware of this too. For me, I can deal with that, even if it means being on a very tight budget (thanks, mom, I can budget like…. something that’s good at budgeting….. fail) but the not knowing WHEN we’re going to get the next paycheck, or how much it will be, that kills me. I never know if we’re going to get the money, or when. We’re owed a lot, but we can’t see it or use it, and our bills and debt keeps whispering in my ear. Trust is hard when you’ve been doing it for a long time, and keep feeling let down. We’ve been in uncharted waters since late last summer, and we kept getting told it was going to get better soon. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but how do we trust that it’s real, when it seems to have been fake many times in the past?
I don’t know when we’re getting our next paycheck. I don’t know what is in store for my family, for my children, for my own future. I can’t see into the future, as much as I’d like to. Trusting in God doesn’t mean you’ll have an easy life, or a perfect future. For me, though, it means that no matter what happens, I’ll have someone to turn to, spiritually (God), but also tangibly- I know my husband will always choose to be with me, and beyond that, God has always provided someone to be there. That’s what I’m going with for now.
Life has been pretty hectic around here the past few weeks. My wonderfully talented husband is no longer working for his boss in the uk. This is both awesome and terrifying. I just keep telling myself, God always provides- he has in the past, he will again. We are getting about 1/3 of what we’re owed (or at least we hope so) and he’s looking for work. Exciting, because by Christmas, I’ll never have to deal with that guy again (not going to lie, i’m a little grouchy with him). Exciting because my superhusband is going in for his third interview with New York Life (by the way, who wants to let him practice on you? seriously, send an email if you’re in the area- he’s pretty smart) and it looks like the direction we’re heading in for his career. Proving to us that God provides- the day after he and his boss parted ways, he had three interviews scheduled. Scary because, where is our income going to be coming from the next weeks/months until his commission kicks in? (hint hint Lord)
So that’s the financial situation. We also just faced Sandy. I was prepared, but scared. My kids are young, and I irrationally worry about things like trees falling on them in their beds (yeah, I know, I have all the scripture versus to recite, and my kids do the rosary with me, but I’m also human). I can’t believe that 1/3 of our town was without power and we were not among them. We also had no damage to our home or car. I’m so very very thankful.
See? God provides. Not always how I want. Okay, almost always not how I want or plan. But He does, you just have to figure out how He’s doing it. And I, as a planner, don’t always enjoy doing that, but I know it’s good for me. makes me grow as a person and spiritually and all that.
this really should have been two or three posts. oh well. snaps to you if you read it.